Week 3 – Thank You for the Compliment!

I consider myself a fairly strong-willed person, some might say stubborn (that would be my immediate family –ha! What do they know?). I have strong convictions and opinions, both of which I will voice when asked... and sometimes when not asked. I thought I had a good handle on how I expressed myself and where my ideas came from. Then Claudette gave me the values worksheet. I was shocked at how little I could connect with the values at the core of my being. I found the exercise confusing. I kept going back to what I think is important, my opinion of what “should” be a value, what I want to be a value. I just wasn't getting it. It left me feeling confused and just a little vulnerable. Who am I??? (Drama Queen moment, giggle.)

I am not ashamed to say that I had to go through the values exercise a number of times and have an extra session with Claudette to talk about why it was so hard for me to dig up my values. We had a discussion around needs and values, which, while related, are not the same thing. Here in lies my difficulty. It took me several days to wade through my needy needs and dig out my core values. But I did it. I came up with a list of five values that resonate deep inside me. Getting a handle on these values gave me a sense of peace and power, a good soothing “you are able” kind of power.

It is a good thing that I had a morale boost, because Week 3 was all about self esteem and confidence. Self esteem is a tough area for me. My self esteem is dependent on how much validation I get from others and on my current weight. I have struggled with poor body image for years. There is no way that I can take a compliment about my body. I never believe the person. I think they are just being “kind”. At times I feel like a victim in a downward spiral. Poor me, “how can I ever feel good about myself?”(D.Q. sneaking out again).

My confidence level is somewhat different. I am able to recognize my skills and feel confident for a while. But in my quest for perfection, I eventually beat myself up and set a higher standard. Thus I am again never good enough. It would be nice to spend more time enjoying feeling confident.

I was surprised (and somewhat annoyed) to see that the choice is mine. Building up or tearing down self confidence and self esteem is totally in my control, it is an internal process, not an external one. Hmm... GREAT! This is going to be interesting. I'm pretty stuck in my current pattern. The workbook has two diagrams, one for the pattern of creating lack of self-confidence and one for the pattern of building self-confidence. I am a visual learner, so it helped me to see the cycles on paper. During our Week 3 session Claudette highlighted a spot in each cycle called a “choice point”. At the choice point, we choose what we tell ourselves. Are we going to take an event as positive or negative? Are we going to beat ourselves up or build ourselves up? Choice – and (gasp) responsibility, what do we do with our experiences? Pretty neat. It sure takes away the opportunity to be a victim of circumstance and opinion--this really jives for me as I am big on taking responsibility.

So... what to do with this information? Now that I have this insight I can't just ignore it. But I am unconvinced that I have the wherewithal to change this cycle, it is pretty ingrained. I am going to have to lean heavily on Claudette here for a guidance and suggestions on how to start looking for opportunities, to be aware that of a choice point, then to choose the affirmative path. She suggested that I focus on my difficulty in taking a compliment. I always shrug off compliments or deflect them. I am uncomfortable at the core of my being with compliments. My gem from Claudette this week is that when I shrug off a compliment I not only hurt myself by not accepting that I am worthy, I also negate the person giving it. Almost like saying, “Yeah right, what do you know?”.When I give a compliment I am sincere and would hope the person appreciates that I took the time to share my appreciation. Not very nice to discount someone's complement about me just cause I have “issues”. Interesting perspective.

So this week I am learning to take a complement and to watch my reaction. There is a choice point for me in taking a compliment, really taking it in without judgments and just enjoying it. I hope to learn to bask in it sooner rather than later. I have, despite the popular saying, witnessed an old dog learning a new trick, so there is hope for me I'm sure.

Woof, woof... bring it on.