Week 5 - Healthy Hugs!

I think the creators of this program were spying on me when they wrote the workbook! Each week there something that seems like it was written just for me. Hmm, does this mean that I am not alone? I often feel that “no one knows how hard it is”, I am isolated in my struggles with food. Everyone has their stuff together except me… poor me (sniff, sniff). It seems that this is not the case, if there is a book about it there must be others like me out there. Guess I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that I am not some sort of abnormal freak that can’t possibly get her act together. Thanks for blowing that excuse out of the water!

I like the progression of the program. Week to week it takes me one step deeper, pealing back layers and making me look at what I am doing. Well… I’ll be honest, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t, it is hard (some time embarrassing “do I really do that”) work. I “know” that I overeat, I “know” that I used food as comfort, but “knowing” and acknowledging exactly what I am doing are not the same thing. At the end of the day, I have often thought “oh-oh, I ate too much again today… bad girl” then rolled over and gone to sleep. After this week of writing down the times I eat not out of hunger, I see right there and black and white what I am doing. Yikes!

I see that I tend to eat more in the late afternoon and evening. I realized that being tired plays a big role in how I well I handle my feelings. When I am tired everything seems magnified, out of proportion with reality. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and like a failure. What exactly did I accomplish today? I want to eat (not need to) because I want the warm cozy full feeling in my stomach. Ahh… a tummy hug, from the inside out. It relaxes me for a bit, then I get anxious about something else or I feel down or frustrated then it is back to the fridge. Repeat as needed and soon I feel stuffed and bloated. Not such a nice hug after all. After a few days of watching my eating patterns I noticed that even when I was feeling good I wanted to eat in the afternoon and evening, it has now become a habit as well. What a kick in the pants!

During my session with Claudette we talked about some strategies to deal with my desire for a “tummy hug”. Turns out I should just feel the feelings and try to manage the anxiety. Go for a real hug if I need it! When I feel overwhelmed make a list of things that need to get accomplished for the day. I used to be a big list maker, so this suggestion appealed to me. I often had 2 or 3 going at a time in my college days so that I could organize myself. Somewhere along the way I dropped the habit. Sure, I give up the good habit, why is that so easy to do? Hopefully it will be just as easy to get it back.

Much of my anxiety is about control and how I cling to it. Here is the gem for this week. I struggle with how to give up control and be in the moment. It turns out that I only I have the control to give up control. I laughed out loud because it so true.

So more awareness this week and a few small changes to start managing life better. Ultimately I have to start being much more conscious of what I am doing with both my emotions and the food I eat. I am looking forward to making my lists again. And no more tummy hugs! If I feel like I need comfort I’m going to go for a nice big bear hug instead!