Week 6 - Go Around the Hole!!!

This week I had a genuine meltdown, temper tantrum/hissy fit. Four days of binging, it wasn’t pretty. At the end of it I was left feeling hopeless. Working through week 6 brought on this wave of panic and self doubt, “there is too much to change”, “this is too hard”, “I’m not doing it right”, “I don’t have enough time” and so on. The wave washed over me and I did nothing to manage it, threw all my week 1 – 5 tools out the window. In fact I did the exact opposite and indulged in a pity party catered by the junk food aisle at the local stop and shop. By the time I talked to Claudette I was a big puddle of frustration and self-defeat. I’m sure she could hear the “I want to quit” in my voice loud and clear!

I was so upset, but I still tried to justify my actions. I’m don’t have time, I’m too stressed, I’m too busy. The title of the chapter is managing change and the only thing I had managed was to dig a big hole myself and jump in it. One section of chapter 6 states: sometimes we experience opposition during this process, which may come from both internal forces (ourselves) and external forces (friends, family, co-workers). My external forces are great, very supportive. Rats, that means I am opposing myself, creating lots of excuses and reasons to fail. I am soooooo good at this! Every time I start to do something for myself I somehow (tongue in cheek) manage to find a thousand ways to help other people. I busy my self up then use being busy as a righteous excuse. Then I can say it is not my fault, I am doing things for others. I’m a good person. Nice trick.

I sabotage myself. Claudette asked me several questions that boiled down to: why am I behaving this way? I realized that I want people to like me. I don’t want to drive people away by being too successful at anything. I see working on myself as self centered or selfish and I know people don’t like to be around “those” kinds of people. I have turned myself into a super helper giving at any cost so that people will like me.

It is funny how these insights come in a flash. Skip back to my youth, I had a number of jealous, competitive friendships. I was really shy so when I made a friend I would do anything to keep that friend. I trained myself to tone down my success in order to keep those friendships going. Don’t be too bossy, don’t brag, don’t show off, no one will like you. And give, give, give so they will like me. I never thought to walk away and find other friends. They were fun friends most of the time, so the problem must be me. This was a long time ago and I have good friends now, but I still behave this way in fear that focusing on my self and not jumping in to save the day will drive people away. Another habit! Back to the book again: the number one principle in the four principles of change states that any behaviour you persist in doing, after you become aware if it (as a habit), is a conscious choice. So I now can’t say “it is not my fault”, oh boy this will take some practice. I need to start acting on what I am learning. I have to get comfortable with loving myself, one of the ways is to start saying no to others. We actually practiced saying no during our session. Which felt a little silly, but really helped when I had to do it for real a few days later. And after I did it for real, I felt terrific.

I’m glad I had my melt down this past week. It was very enlightening. Claudette was very supportive. It is amazing how hearing that she wasn’t going to give up on me after such a bad week made me want to fight for myself. Towards the end of the session, as I became more positive, I realized that the week wasn’t a total bust, I had made a few changes to my schedule already that were positive steps and I did have 3 good days. Whew, what a ride. In the end I realized that I don’t want to walk away from the program. The work is worth it, I am worth it! Even though it is hard to make the changes I want to be the one that walks around the hole!