Week 8 - Standing in the Middle of the Teeter-Totter!

I am an adrenaline junkie; knock me over with a feather! Over the past week I took note of how often I “revved” myself up with adrenaline by panicking over something. It was shockingly often. Well, this explains a lot! I leave things to the last minute, am well known for pulling “all nighters”, I can multi task like crazy, and I functions “best” under pressure. I total rely on a physical adrenaline rush to get me going. I think I have done all this from childhood. Quick, hurry, rush, panic… it is the way I operate. I never would have seen any of these behaviors as a way to create a psyological state of being; it is just “how I roll”. Great I am rolling down hill, out of control! I’ve got a need for speed! But I am terrified of things like bungee jumping and roller coasters, so I get the rush from creating “speed” in my daily life. Thank you Claudette, this was a big “AH HA”. I definitely need to find ways of getting things done without the adrenaline boost – hmm, maybe red bull – just kidding! Back to Claudette’s suggestion of trying to achieve a state of calm energy, while it sounds very appealing to me, it is a totally foreign concept. But I had best find a way to make it “the way I roll”. Because now that I am aware of my nasty habit it becomes a choice! And I choose to work on getting rid of the starting gun in my head… ready… set… RUN – no more!

This week is a good place to start practicing. It is all about finding balance, now that has got to be a good base for attaining a state of calm energy. An image pops into my head when I start thinking about finding balance in my life. There is a park in Winnipeg that I would take my sons to, it had a really big, really heavy, bouncy teeter-totter. It had a seat for two on each side and huge spring in the middle to make the ride bouncy. It was crazy piece of equipment and heavy as all heck. Few kids would use the thing because it was hard to get it going, but my kids always ran right to it. One day, to get it going and balance out the kids (they were always uneven in numbers or weight), I stood on the middle platform and use my legs to create just the right movement for maximum fun and enjoyment. The kids had a great time. This is a great metaphor for my life… I am in control and I need to get creative to find the balance that I need.

“Unmet needs are the root of all stress”. Over the past few years I haven’t put much thought into my needs. It has been a great distraction to help other people who were in crisis, it was a rush, everything became an emergency… “they need me” right now and look what I can do to help. This behavior has brought me to where I am at today, worn out, resentful and out of touch with me. I may have started out giving from abundance, but the well dried up a long time ago. My habit of using adrenaline came in very handy, man I did a lot! So why did I do this? Ah, the million dollar question. Compassion… yes, my “like me please” voice… yes, but ultimately I think that I am dissatisfied with where I am at in life and can’t see a way to change it, so it is much easier to feel useful by helping others than to do the tough, scary work of looking inside myself. This thought does not make me happy! Heavy stuff.

In talking with Claudette I realized that I will never get around to sorting out the heavy stuff if I don’t clean up the clutter and distraction in my life. The in/out box exercise this week was a good way to see the flow of my daily life and how I need to put better boundaries in place. My bad! My family lets me do much more than I need to because that is the dynamic I have established. It is not helping anyone. I feel frazzled and they are not learning to do for themselves (the kids, not my husband… he just gets to help pick up the pieces and is just as frazzled as I am). I am a helicopter Mom and wife; I hover and am there to “help” (cough, cough… enable) at all times. I am ready for this change! Oh boy, they are not. Ha… change creates a ripple effect. All the little changes I have been making (for example our family sugar intake is down) have affected the people around me. Everyone is a little grouchy right now, and I have only gotten started. Bring on the boundaries!

Up until now my efforts have been rather scattered and unfocused. Lots of little changes all over the place - flying by the seat of my pants would be a good description! This is probably contributing to the unsettled feeling around our house. It is almost like the changes are running my life and I am along for the ride, waiting for them to start making sense. As a result I am not feeling very successful even though I am changing quite a bit. I shared my feelings with Claudette, she told me this great quote: “success is the art of solving problems”. I am a very creative person; I regularly use my creativity to help others. Now it is time to put it to use for myself. Never thought of it that way, definitely the gem for this week! So, just like taking that unweilding awkward old teeter-totter and turning it into a fun ride, I need to get creative and exert the effort needed to craft some order out of my confusion. Once things get rolling along and making more sense to everyone life, I will feel a sense of accomplishment and life will be a lot more fun!