Week 7 - Stand Back, My Brain Just May Explode!

My brain feels absolutely stuffed! Better than my stomach, ha! When I started this program I thought it would be different but it is only now, just over the halfway point, that I realize how different! What a ride! I have gone from ignorance to aware confusion to now… here I am sorting out my overstuffed brain. I am now much more conscious of my behaviors, thoughts and emotions than I probably ever have been. What I thought I knew about my relationship with food has been blow wide open. I have to keep reminding myself to slow down, I don’t have to get it all “right” or put it all into practice overnight. It took me years and years to build up the bad habits, it is OK to go slow as I am changing things around. Each small step is a huge success.

The workbook has once again been scary on target with its topic this week. After going through the sections and exercises I realized that I probably have been turning this whole process into a big source of stress (see my week 6 entry). I love, love, love the thought that our degree of stress is based on our perceptions. I can turn just about any situation into “life and death” in my head, from what type of toothpaste to buy all the way up to do we continue to rent or buy a house. Small or big situation, I worry about it all. Because I am a people pleaser I also worry about others. It has become a rather heavy load. Even though I create all this stress in my head, it still produces very real reactions in my body. Hindsight is 20/20 right? I have been doing this for a long time and it has completely worn me down. I want to change my response and reactions, take the drama down a notch or two.

Time to slow down and take stock. I am doing really well. I stuck with the program when I wanted to quit. I am much more conscious of my actions, thoughts and emotions. I am fighting to put new habits in place. Some of them are working really well. I really like my new suppertime rule! I eat what is on my plate (which I now control by thinking of the actual size of my stomach) then I put my plate away and come back to the table to enjoy chatting with my family. I only go back for seconds if I am really hungry and I don’t nibble off anyone’s plate. I only went back for seconds once in the past 2 weeks and it was because I was hungry! Imagine that. I am more active now, and I hardly ever skip breakfast. I am getting more successful at having small meals more frequently. I am making better food choices for my family and me. Lots of good stuff going on! Taking stock like this really helps me focus on the positive, sometimes I can be a real ‘Negative Nelly” and I am consistently a “Panic Patty”. Now I have the proof that small changes do add up, I am working towards becoming a “Calm Competent Kristi”.

Calm energy is the term Claudette used, that sounds like a great goal for this drama queen. She brought up the subject of adrenaline. Could I be an adrenaline junkie? This was an interesting thought. I don’t like to ride roller coasters or bungee jump, so I was wondering what this had to do with me. But when she explained the adrenaline response that is produced in my body when I panic – “flash” a light went on. Oh, oh… could I be living for the rush I create when I panic or create “do or die” drama situations. Hmmm… interesting. She asked me to pay attention to this type of behavior this coming week. I am very curious to see where this goes, I feel another “ah ha” moment coming my way. Is this what is behind my need for drama? The gem from Claudette this week is… to see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it. I am all for that! So, I added paying attention to how often I create a sense of panic to my list of things to do for this week (the one we create just before the close of each session).

I am glad the list is short this week, what I really need to do is practice, practice, practice all the things I have learned so far. I figure that it is the only way to unstufff my brain. It will be nice when I don’t have to think so hard about what I am doing and be on alert for bad patterns. I know if I keep it up and get some consistency going that eventually I won’t have to think so hard… that will be a relief!

Week 6 - Go Around the Hole!!!

This week I had a genuine meltdown, temper tantrum/hissy fit. Four days of binging, it wasn’t pretty. At the end of it I was left feeling hopeless. Working through week 6 brought on this wave of panic and self doubt, “there is too much to change”, “this is too hard”, “I’m not doing it right”, “I don’t have enough time” and so on. The wave washed over me and I did nothing to manage it, threw all my week 1 – 5 tools out the window. In fact I did the exact opposite and indulged in a pity party catered by the junk food aisle at the local stop and shop. By the time I talked to Claudette I was a big puddle of frustration and self-defeat. I’m sure she could hear the “I want to quit” in my voice loud and clear!

I was so upset, but I still tried to justify my actions. I’m don’t have time, I’m too stressed, I’m too busy. The title of the chapter is managing change and the only thing I had managed was to dig a big hole myself and jump in it. One section of chapter 6 states: sometimes we experience opposition during this process, which may come from both internal forces (ourselves) and external forces (friends, family, co-workers). My external forces are great, very supportive. Rats, that means I am opposing myself, creating lots of excuses and reasons to fail. I am soooooo good at this! Every time I start to do something for myself I somehow (tongue in cheek) manage to find a thousand ways to help other people. I busy my self up then use being busy as a righteous excuse. Then I can say it is not my fault, I am doing things for others. I’m a good person. Nice trick.

I sabotage myself. Claudette asked me several questions that boiled down to: why am I behaving this way? I realized that I want people to like me. I don’t want to drive people away by being too successful at anything. I see working on myself as self centered or selfish and I know people don’t like to be around “those” kinds of people. I have turned myself into a super helper giving at any cost so that people will like me.

It is funny how these insights come in a flash. Skip back to my youth, I had a number of jealous, competitive friendships. I was really shy so when I made a friend I would do anything to keep that friend. I trained myself to tone down my success in order to keep those friendships going. Don’t be too bossy, don’t brag, don’t show off, no one will like you. And give, give, give so they will like me. I never thought to walk away and find other friends. They were fun friends most of the time, so the problem must be me. This was a long time ago and I have good friends now, but I still behave this way in fear that focusing on my self and not jumping in to save the day will drive people away. Another habit! Back to the book again: the number one principle in the four principles of change states that any behaviour you persist in doing, after you become aware if it (as a habit), is a conscious choice. So I now can’t say “it is not my fault”, oh boy this will take some practice. I need to start acting on what I am learning. I have to get comfortable with loving myself, one of the ways is to start saying no to others. We actually practiced saying no during our session. Which felt a little silly, but really helped when I had to do it for real a few days later. And after I did it for real, I felt terrific.

I’m glad I had my melt down this past week. It was very enlightening. Claudette was very supportive. It is amazing how hearing that she wasn’t going to give up on me after such a bad week made me want to fight for myself. Towards the end of the session, as I became more positive, I realized that the week wasn’t a total bust, I had made a few changes to my schedule already that were positive steps and I did have 3 good days. Whew, what a ride. In the end I realized that I don’t want to walk away from the program. The work is worth it, I am worth it! Even though it is hard to make the changes I want to be the one that walks around the hole!

Week 5 - Healthy Hugs!

I think the creators of this program were spying on me when they wrote the workbook! Each week there something that seems like it was written just for me. Hmm, does this mean that I am not alone? I often feel that “no one knows how hard it is”, I am isolated in my struggles with food. Everyone has their stuff together except me… poor me (sniff, sniff). It seems that this is not the case, if there is a book about it there must be others like me out there. Guess I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that I am not some sort of abnormal freak that can’t possibly get her act together. Thanks for blowing that excuse out of the water!

I like the progression of the program. Week to week it takes me one step deeper, pealing back layers and making me look at what I am doing. Well… I’ll be honest, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t, it is hard (some time embarrassing “do I really do that”) work. I “know” that I overeat, I “know” that I used food as comfort, but “knowing” and acknowledging exactly what I am doing are not the same thing. At the end of the day, I have often thought “oh-oh, I ate too much again today… bad girl” then rolled over and gone to sleep. After this week of writing down the times I eat not out of hunger, I see right there and black and white what I am doing. Yikes!

I see that I tend to eat more in the late afternoon and evening. I realized that being tired plays a big role in how I well I handle my feelings. When I am tired everything seems magnified, out of proportion with reality. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and like a failure. What exactly did I accomplish today? I want to eat (not need to) because I want the warm cozy full feeling in my stomach. Ahh… a tummy hug, from the inside out. It relaxes me for a bit, then I get anxious about something else or I feel down or frustrated then it is back to the fridge. Repeat as needed and soon I feel stuffed and bloated. Not such a nice hug after all. After a few days of watching my eating patterns I noticed that even when I was feeling good I wanted to eat in the afternoon and evening, it has now become a habit as well. What a kick in the pants!

During my session with Claudette we talked about some strategies to deal with my desire for a “tummy hug”. Turns out I should just feel the feelings and try to manage the anxiety. Go for a real hug if I need it! When I feel overwhelmed make a list of things that need to get accomplished for the day. I used to be a big list maker, so this suggestion appealed to me. I often had 2 or 3 going at a time in my college days so that I could organize myself. Somewhere along the way I dropped the habit. Sure, I give up the good habit, why is that so easy to do? Hopefully it will be just as easy to get it back.

Much of my anxiety is about control and how I cling to it. Here is the gem for this week. I struggle with how to give up control and be in the moment. It turns out that I only I have the control to give up control. I laughed out loud because it so true.

So more awareness this week and a few small changes to start managing life better. Ultimately I have to start being much more conscious of what I am doing with both my emotions and the food I eat. I am looking forward to making my lists again. And no more tummy hugs! If I feel like I need comfort I’m going to go for a nice big bear hug instead!

Week 4 - Quick Like a Bunny... Not Always a Good Thing!

Whew, what a journey, and it is only week four. I feel like my kids do when they are in the car 30 minutes into a 3-day road trip… “are we there yet?”. And now I hear that the program gets more interesting as it goes on. Well it is week 4 and I started looking at my relationship with food.

I like food a lot… or… I like a lot of food (ha!). My relationship with food is long and colourful. I am definitely an emotional eater; biggest trigger emotions seem to be feeling overwhelmed or anxious. I also eat when I am tired or bored. I like to try different foods for fun. And I eat out of habit; oh it is “lunch time”. This week I learned that I rarely eat because I am hungry. And I definitely don’t stop when I am comfortably full, I will often eat until my stomach groans. Saying it out loud… well … it just sounds… wacky? Definitely embarrassing, no one likes to be perceived as a glutton or out of control. Really makes me stop and think, which I obviously don’t do a lot of when I am eating. I have gut reactions, habits and compulsions around food that I frequently act on before my brain even kicks into gear. Well smack me on the head! Duh… there is a “choice point” when I eat too! OH… I have to start applying what I am learning to my eating not just my internal dialogue about myself – fun! Sigh, it is going to be a lot of work to retrain my brain. Honestly, the thought is rather daunting.

Habits, reactions, patterns… CLICK…. my approach to food has been and how I have been dieting has done a lot of damage to my body and brain. Not only does my body horde every calorie from years of extreme diets and fads. I seem to be at war with my body. I either ignore hunger thinking “yeah, now my body must be burning fat” or I fill myself up to feel soothed “gimme that oral Novocain” because who wants to feel fat and depressed and anxious (because I am out of control), lets eat. What a merry-go-round! And I am stuck on it because it has become a habit to go round and round, it is just how I cope day to day.

Well, feeling stuck in my own muck! Definitely need to dump the old attitudes and patterns… bad habits. Habit rhymes with rabbit for a reason… instinct… zing off I go like a shot to do what I always do. Just like a bunny, not much brain power happening! React, jump, quick escape… food.

Ain’t awareness grand! At this point I am teetering on the edge of overwhelmed, so much to change! Now I want to eat. It helps to have the boost of talking with Claudette. She is the voice of reason when I get wrapped up in circular thinking and feeling overwhelmed. It is always good to debrief the week with her. This week we talked about conscious choices, being aware of hunger and responding to it. She also reminded me to remember to take small bites (not just with food), make small changes. Focus on awareness and being conscious of when and how I eat. And to calm down, I don’t have to do it all today! I am really trying to implement Claudette’s advice and not beat myself up for where I am at, instead to compliment myself for each positive choice. I am getting pretty good at taking them now and I find that it is also nice to give them to myself . A mental pat on the back when I make a good choice, like having water instead of soda. Hey! I just realized that I have not had a sugary soda in weeks. I am drinking much more water than I used to and taking in less sugar, pat, pat, pat way to go me! And with that small victory I will gladly move ahead to week five.