Week 10 - Wing Check... Almost Ready to Fly!

Week 10 – Wing Check, almost ready to fly!

Warning! I am about to wantonly use a cliché, feel free to groan, the glass as half full. I feel the shift inside me, my thought process has become much more positive. Not, that I don’t have my setbacks (cough, cough), I had a bit of a chocolate binge this week. But with my new and improved point of view I no longer turn a poor decision into a huge failure/crisis (remember week 6… shiver). My chocolate fix was more than a reasonable amount, over the top one might say. No freak out, I have put it on my list of things to keep working on. Chocolate is not one of the food groups, 3-5 servings a day is not part of a balanced diet! I’m getting there, slowly but surely. Using my new attitude of self-acceptance: just keep going, be less critical and love myself a little more each day. This feels good! I would like to work on seeing my glass filled to the top and spilling over, never mind this halfway business.

The “Strokes/Put-downs exercise this week was great. The “put-down” column was pretty empty, proof that I have really put the brakes on negative self-talk, yeah! Unfortunately, the “strokes” column was just as bare. After I had done the exercise, it looked like I hadn’t finished it, lots of empty spaces. Those little mental pats on the back are missing, with one exception… I will give myself a mental “high five” when I “do” something that has a tangible external results. Great job on the PTA certificates, they looked great, job well done Kristi! As far as telling myself that I am pretty amazing for no reason… yikes, this just does not happen!

This bothered me, so we spent some time on it during our weekly session. Claudette lead me through a very uncomfortable, but valuable exercise. She asked me to tell her how other people would describe me. It made me step outside my blank slate view of myself and look at myself from an external perspective. Very cool, she even emailed me the list we created; it is very effective to see it on paper! I’m pretty awesome. Now I have to work on getting it into my head and believing it. One of the hurdles I have to get over is that I am afraid that I will turn into a raving ego maniac and no one will want to come anywhere near me. Yes, another irrational thought to put to rest. Good girls don’t brag! If you are too confident you are accused of being bossy or pushy. These are old messages that need to be rewritten. I think that I am self aware enough now to finally figure it out. It will mean moving beyond my comfort zone, yet again! Here is the gem for the week… I need to focus on learning the difference between “human being” versus “human doing”. I can and should give myself credit for who I am not just what I do.

Good learning this week! I am finding that as my confidence grows it is not so overwhelming to find out that there will always be something to learn and work on. That thought used to stop me in my tracks. But this week looking back and reviewing the “essential tools” list (pg 88) I realized that while I haven’t got it all down pat, I am well on my way. I feel good about that and I no longer have the expectation that everything will change over night. But on the other hand… looking back, a lot can change in 10 weeks! I can’t believe that I am almost at the end of the workbook! Where did the weeks go? I clearly remember it being week 2 and thinking, this is going to take “FOR-EV-ER”. Now I don’t want it to end! What will I do without a chapter to follow and my weekly appointment with Claudette, she has been great, I will miss her a lot. Time to get ready to fly. Every baby bird has to take the leap sometime and my wings are almost ready! Two more weeks, I am sure the program will get me ready to move forward, then 1… 2… 3… Sore!

Week 9 - The Drill Sergeant Takes a Hike!

In and out… in and out… nice and deep… in and out. No, not that! Get your mind out of the bedroom!! All week I have been practicing deep breathing – it is a good thing! Claudette suggested this as a technique to help me beat my need for adrenaline. Taking big deep breaths from the diaphragm naturally calms the body down. So, as I feel myself escalating into panic mode, I take a few deep calming breaths and voila. It gives me the break I need to find a better perspective. I can then engage all the good stuff I have been learning, instead of spinning out of control. It is a nifty trick, much more effective than I thought it would be. I am starting to understand and experience “calm energy”. It definitely came in handy this week while looking at the topic of communication.

The various types of communication are not new to me. I completed my certification as a mediator/negotiator while living in Edmonton, Alberta. Several of the courses dealt with communication styles and how to recognizing them in yourself and others. The aim was to develop an assertive style of communication, I became pretty good at it. This first part of the chapter this week was a great review/check-up for me. I noticed that when I am tired or panicky I give up my skills and revert to a not so great style of communication. Using the breathing technique helped me to stay calm and refocus with good results. It is really hard to be a good listener when you are all keyed up, and if I am not listening then there is little chance that I am communicating in a healthy manner. But… I sure can tell people what to do like an army drill sergeant (I’m blushing! I know better than that.) So, this week I was able to calmly observe that I have been creating a vicious cycle. Get keyed up, stop thinking, and start barking orders. Feels good to be able to put a stop to this cycle by calming down and getting back to using my skills! I can be a very good communicator when I am paying attention. I think my family is grateful!

The second part of the chapter was about support systems, “having good listeners in your life is a very good stress management tool”. This was an eye opening exercise. I have never thought to analyze my relationship. To analytically look at what kind of support network I have, and where I need to build. It seems a little clinical, but as I went through the questions I could see the value in examining how you relate to the people around you. It is just another part of conscious living. I realize that I need to tap into my network more. In a previous blog I mentioned my habit of being “super friend” where I am the supporter at all times. When I have need of support I don’t want to “impose” so I try to “go it alone”, I don’t share myself with others. This cuts me off from the support that my support network could and would offer me. My choice… lonely choice! I do have some pretty terrific people around me; it is time that I let down my defenses (stop being afraid) and start using the support that they can offer. I am definitely going to keep this in mind as I meet new people here in New York. With my new relationships I am going to establish a give and take dynamic right from the beginning. Even the thought of it feels weird, but relying more on others and being intentional about my relationships is never going to happen unless I start NOW. You never know what will happen in life until your open up a take a risk! I expect great things… I’m worth it!

Week 8 - Standing in the Middle of the Teeter-Totter!

I am an adrenaline junkie; knock me over with a feather! Over the past week I took note of how often I “revved” myself up with adrenaline by panicking over something. It was shockingly often. Well, this explains a lot! I leave things to the last minute, am well known for pulling “all nighters”, I can multi task like crazy, and I functions “best” under pressure. I total rely on a physical adrenaline rush to get me going. I think I have done all this from childhood. Quick, hurry, rush, panic… it is the way I operate. I never would have seen any of these behaviors as a way to create a psyological state of being; it is just “how I roll”. Great I am rolling down hill, out of control! I’ve got a need for speed! But I am terrified of things like bungee jumping and roller coasters, so I get the rush from creating “speed” in my daily life. Thank you Claudette, this was a big “AH HA”. I definitely need to find ways of getting things done without the adrenaline boost – hmm, maybe red bull – just kidding! Back to Claudette’s suggestion of trying to achieve a state of calm energy, while it sounds very appealing to me, it is a totally foreign concept. But I had best find a way to make it “the way I roll”. Because now that I am aware of my nasty habit it becomes a choice! And I choose to work on getting rid of the starting gun in my head… ready… set… RUN – no more!

This week is a good place to start practicing. It is all about finding balance, now that has got to be a good base for attaining a state of calm energy. An image pops into my head when I start thinking about finding balance in my life. There is a park in Winnipeg that I would take my sons to, it had a really big, really heavy, bouncy teeter-totter. It had a seat for two on each side and huge spring in the middle to make the ride bouncy. It was crazy piece of equipment and heavy as all heck. Few kids would use the thing because it was hard to get it going, but my kids always ran right to it. One day, to get it going and balance out the kids (they were always uneven in numbers or weight), I stood on the middle platform and use my legs to create just the right movement for maximum fun and enjoyment. The kids had a great time. This is a great metaphor for my life… I am in control and I need to get creative to find the balance that I need.

“Unmet needs are the root of all stress”. Over the past few years I haven’t put much thought into my needs. It has been a great distraction to help other people who were in crisis, it was a rush, everything became an emergency… “they need me” right now and look what I can do to help. This behavior has brought me to where I am at today, worn out, resentful and out of touch with me. I may have started out giving from abundance, but the well dried up a long time ago. My habit of using adrenaline came in very handy, man I did a lot! So why did I do this? Ah, the million dollar question. Compassion… yes, my “like me please” voice… yes, but ultimately I think that I am dissatisfied with where I am at in life and can’t see a way to change it, so it is much easier to feel useful by helping others than to do the tough, scary work of looking inside myself. This thought does not make me happy! Heavy stuff.

In talking with Claudette I realized that I will never get around to sorting out the heavy stuff if I don’t clean up the clutter and distraction in my life. The in/out box exercise this week was a good way to see the flow of my daily life and how I need to put better boundaries in place. My bad! My family lets me do much more than I need to because that is the dynamic I have established. It is not helping anyone. I feel frazzled and they are not learning to do for themselves (the kids, not my husband… he just gets to help pick up the pieces and is just as frazzled as I am). I am a helicopter Mom and wife; I hover and am there to “help” (cough, cough… enable) at all times. I am ready for this change! Oh boy, they are not. Ha… change creates a ripple effect. All the little changes I have been making (for example our family sugar intake is down) have affected the people around me. Everyone is a little grouchy right now, and I have only gotten started. Bring on the boundaries!

Up until now my efforts have been rather scattered and unfocused. Lots of little changes all over the place - flying by the seat of my pants would be a good description! This is probably contributing to the unsettled feeling around our house. It is almost like the changes are running my life and I am along for the ride, waiting for them to start making sense. As a result I am not feeling very successful even though I am changing quite a bit. I shared my feelings with Claudette, she told me this great quote: “success is the art of solving problems”. I am a very creative person; I regularly use my creativity to help others. Now it is time to put it to use for myself. Never thought of it that way, definitely the gem for this week! So, just like taking that unweilding awkward old teeter-totter and turning it into a fun ride, I need to get creative and exert the effort needed to craft some order out of my confusion. Once things get rolling along and making more sense to everyone life, I will feel a sense of accomplishment and life will be a lot more fun!