Kristi's Journey

Week 10 - Wing Check... Almost Ready to Fly!

2008-02-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

Week 10 – Wing Check, almost ready to fly!

Warning! I am about to wantonly use a cliché, feel free to groan, the glass as half full. I feel the shift inside me, my thought process has become much more positive. Not, that I don’t have my setbacks (cough, cough), I had a bit of a chocolate binge this week. But with my new and improved point of view I no longer turn a poor decision into a huge failure/crisis (remember week 6… shiver). My chocolate fix was more than a reasonable amount, over the top one might say. No freak out, I have put it on my list of things to keep working on. Chocolate is not one of the food groups, 3-5 servings a day is not part of a balanced diet! I’m getting there, slowly but surely. Using my new attitude of self-acceptance: just keep going, be less critical and love myself a little more each day. This feels good! I would like to work on seeing my glass filled to the top and spilling over, never mind this halfway business.

The “Strokes/Put-downs exercise this week was great. The “put-down” column was pretty empty, proof that I have really put the brakes on negative self-talk, yeah! Unfortunately, the “strokes” column was just as bare. After I had done the exercise, it looked like I hadn’t finished it, lots of empty spaces. Those little mental pats on the back are missing, with one exception… I will give myself a mental “high five” when I “do” something that has a tangible external results. Great job on the PTA certificates, they looked great, job well done Kristi! As far as telling myself that I am pretty amazing for no reason… yikes, this just does not happen!

This bothered me, so we spent some time on it during our weekly session. Claudette lead me through a very uncomfortable, but valuable exercise. She asked me to tell her how other people would describe me. It made me step outside my blank slate view of myself and look at myself from an external perspective. Very cool, she even emailed me the list we created; it is very effective to see it on paper! I’m pretty awesome. Now I have to work on getting it into my head and believing it. One of the hurdles I have to get over is that I am afraid that I will turn into a raving ego maniac and no one will want to come anywhere near me. Yes, another irrational thought to put to rest. Good girls don’t brag! If you are too confident you are accused of being bossy or pushy. These are old messages that need to be rewritten. I think that I am self aware enough now to finally figure it out. It will mean moving beyond my comfort zone, yet again! Here is the gem for the week… I need to focus on learning the difference between “human being” versus “human doing”. I can and should give myself credit for who I am not just what I do.

Good learning this week! I am finding that as my confidence grows it is not so overwhelming to find out that there will always be something to learn and work on. That thought used to stop me in my tracks. But this week looking back and reviewing the “essential tools” list (pg 88) I realized that while I haven’t got it all down pat, I am well on my way. I feel good about that and I no longer have the expectation that everything will change over night. But on the other hand… looking back, a lot can change in 10 weeks! I can’t believe that I am almost at the end of the workbook! Where did the weeks go? I clearly remember it being week 2 and thinking, this is going to take “FOR-EV-ER”. Now I don’t want it to end! What will I do without a chapter to follow and my weekly appointment with Claudette, she has been great, I will miss her a lot. Time to get ready to fly. Every baby bird has to take the leap sometime and my wings are almost ready! Two more weeks, I am sure the program will get me ready to move forward, then 1… 2… 3… Sore!

Week 9 - The Drill Sergeant Takes a Hike!

2008-02-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

In and out… in and out… nice and deep… in and out. No, not that! Get your mind out of the bedroom!! All week I have been practicing deep breathing – it is a good thing! Claudette suggested this as a technique to help me beat my need for adrenaline. Taking big deep breaths from the diaphragm naturally calms the body down. So, as I feel myself escalating into panic mode, I take a few deep calming breaths and voila. It gives me the break I need to find a better perspective. I can then engage all the good stuff I have been learning, instead of spinning out of control. It is a nifty trick, much more effective than I thought it would be. I am starting to understand and experience “calm energy”. It definitely came in handy this week while looking at the topic of communication.

The various types of communication are not new to me. I completed my certification as a mediator/negotiator while living in Edmonton, Alberta. Several of the courses dealt with communication styles and how to recognizing them in yourself and others. The aim was to develop an assertive style of communication, I became pretty good at it. This first part of the chapter this week was a great review/check-up for me. I noticed that when I am tired or panicky I give up my skills and revert to a not so great style of communication. Using the breathing technique helped me to stay calm and refocus with good results. It is really hard to be a good listener when you are all keyed up, and if I am not listening then there is little chance that I am communicating in a healthy manner. But… I sure can tell people what to do like an army drill sergeant (I’m blushing! I know better than that.) So, this week I was able to calmly observe that I have been creating a vicious cycle. Get keyed up, stop thinking, and start barking orders. Feels good to be able to put a stop to this cycle by calming down and getting back to using my skills! I can be a very good communicator when I am paying attention. I think my family is grateful!

The second part of the chapter was about support systems, “having good listeners in your life is a very good stress management tool”. This was an eye opening exercise. I have never thought to analyze my relationship. To analytically look at what kind of support network I have, and where I need to build. It seems a little clinical, but as I went through the questions I could see the value in examining how you relate to the people around you. It is just another part of conscious living. I realize that I need to tap into my network more. In a previous blog I mentioned my habit of being “super friend” where I am the supporter at all times. When I have need of support I don’t want to “impose” so I try to “go it alone”, I don’t share myself with others. This cuts me off from the support that my support network could and would offer me. My choice… lonely choice! I do have some pretty terrific people around me; it is time that I let down my defenses (stop being afraid) and start using the support that they can offer. I am definitely going to keep this in mind as I meet new people here in New York. With my new relationships I am going to establish a give and take dynamic right from the beginning. Even the thought of it feels weird, but relying more on others and being intentional about my relationships is never going to happen unless I start NOW. You never know what will happen in life until your open up a take a risk! I expect great things… I’m worth it!

Week 8 - Standing in the Middle of the Teeter-Totter!

2008-02-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

I am an adrenaline junkie; knock me over with a feather! Over the past week I took note of how often I “revved” myself up with adrenaline by panicking over something. It was shockingly often. Well, this explains a lot! I leave things to the last minute, am well known for pulling “all nighters”, I can multi task like crazy, and I functions “best” under pressure. I total rely on a physical adrenaline rush to get me going. I think I have done all this from childhood. Quick, hurry, rush, panic… it is the way I operate. I never would have seen any of these behaviors as a way to create a psyological state of being; it is just “how I roll”. Great I am rolling down hill, out of control! I’ve got a need for speed! But I am terrified of things like bungee jumping and roller coasters, so I get the rush from creating “speed” in my daily life. Thank you Claudette, this was a big “AH HA”. I definitely need to find ways of getting things done without the adrenaline boost – hmm, maybe red bull – just kidding! Back to Claudette’s suggestion of trying to achieve a state of calm energy, while it sounds very appealing to me, it is a totally foreign concept. But I had best find a way to make it “the way I roll”. Because now that I am aware of my nasty habit it becomes a choice! And I choose to work on getting rid of the starting gun in my head… ready… set… RUN – no more!

This week is a good place to start practicing. It is all about finding balance, now that has got to be a good base for attaining a state of calm energy. An image pops into my head when I start thinking about finding balance in my life. There is a park in Winnipeg that I would take my sons to, it had a really big, really heavy, bouncy teeter-totter. It had a seat for two on each side and huge spring in the middle to make the ride bouncy. It was crazy piece of equipment and heavy as all heck. Few kids would use the thing because it was hard to get it going, but my kids always ran right to it. One day, to get it going and balance out the kids (they were always uneven in numbers or weight), I stood on the middle platform and use my legs to create just the right movement for maximum fun and enjoyment. The kids had a great time. This is a great metaphor for my life… I am in control and I need to get creative to find the balance that I need.

“Unmet needs are the root of all stress”. Over the past few years I haven’t put much thought into my needs. It has been a great distraction to help other people who were in crisis, it was a rush, everything became an emergency… “they need me” right now and look what I can do to help. This behavior has brought me to where I am at today, worn out, resentful and out of touch with me. I may have started out giving from abundance, but the well dried up a long time ago. My habit of using adrenaline came in very handy, man I did a lot! So why did I do this? Ah, the million dollar question. Compassion… yes, my “like me please” voice… yes, but ultimately I think that I am dissatisfied with where I am at in life and can’t see a way to change it, so it is much easier to feel useful by helping others than to do the tough, scary work of looking inside myself. This thought does not make me happy! Heavy stuff.

In talking with Claudette I realized that I will never get around to sorting out the heavy stuff if I don’t clean up the clutter and distraction in my life. The in/out box exercise this week was a good way to see the flow of my daily life and how I need to put better boundaries in place. My bad! My family lets me do much more than I need to because that is the dynamic I have established. It is not helping anyone. I feel frazzled and they are not learning to do for themselves (the kids, not my husband… he just gets to help pick up the pieces and is just as frazzled as I am). I am a helicopter Mom and wife; I hover and am there to “help” (cough, cough… enable) at all times. I am ready for this change! Oh boy, they are not. Ha… change creates a ripple effect. All the little changes I have been making (for example our family sugar intake is down) have affected the people around me. Everyone is a little grouchy right now, and I have only gotten started. Bring on the boundaries!

Up until now my efforts have been rather scattered and unfocused. Lots of little changes all over the place - flying by the seat of my pants would be a good description! This is probably contributing to the unsettled feeling around our house. It is almost like the changes are running my life and I am along for the ride, waiting for them to start making sense. As a result I am not feeling very successful even though I am changing quite a bit. I shared my feelings with Claudette, she told me this great quote: “success is the art of solving problems”. I am a very creative person; I regularly use my creativity to help others. Now it is time to put it to use for myself. Never thought of it that way, definitely the gem for this week! So, just like taking that unweilding awkward old teeter-totter and turning it into a fun ride, I need to get creative and exert the effort needed to craft some order out of my confusion. Once things get rolling along and making more sense to everyone life, I will feel a sense of accomplishment and life will be a lot more fun!

Week 7 - Stand Back, My Brain Just May Explode!

2008-01-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

My brain feels absolutely stuffed! Better than my stomach, ha! When I started this program I thought it would be different but it is only now, just over the halfway point, that I realize how different! What a ride! I have gone from ignorance to aware confusion to now… here I am sorting out my overstuffed brain. I am now much more conscious of my behaviors, thoughts and emotions than I probably ever have been. What I thought I knew about my relationship with food has been blow wide open. I have to keep reminding myself to slow down, I don’t have to get it all “right” or put it all into practice overnight. It took me years and years to build up the bad habits, it is OK to go slow as I am changing things around. Each small step is a huge success.

The workbook has once again been scary on target with its topic this week. After going through the sections and exercises I realized that I probably have been turning this whole process into a big source of stress (see my week 6 entry). I love, love, love the thought that our degree of stress is based on our perceptions. I can turn just about any situation into “life and death” in my head, from what type of toothpaste to buy all the way up to do we continue to rent or buy a house. Small or big situation, I worry about it all. Because I am a people pleaser I also worry about others. It has become a rather heavy load. Even though I create all this stress in my head, it still produces very real reactions in my body. Hindsight is 20/20 right? I have been doing this for a long time and it has completely worn me down. I want to change my response and reactions, take the drama down a notch or two.

Time to slow down and take stock. I am doing really well. I stuck with the program when I wanted to quit. I am much more conscious of my actions, thoughts and emotions. I am fighting to put new habits in place. Some of them are working really well. I really like my new suppertime rule! I eat what is on my plate (which I now control by thinking of the actual size of my stomach) then I put my plate away and come back to the table to enjoy chatting with my family. I only go back for seconds if I am really hungry and I don’t nibble off anyone’s plate. I only went back for seconds once in the past 2 weeks and it was because I was hungry! Imagine that. I am more active now, and I hardly ever skip breakfast. I am getting more successful at having small meals more frequently. I am making better food choices for my family and me. Lots of good stuff going on! Taking stock like this really helps me focus on the positive, sometimes I can be a real ‘Negative Nelly” and I am consistently a “Panic Patty”. Now I have the proof that small changes do add up, I am working towards becoming a “Calm Competent Kristi”.

Calm energy is the term Claudette used, that sounds like a great goal for this drama queen. She brought up the subject of adrenaline. Could I be an adrenaline junkie? This was an interesting thought. I don’t like to ride roller coasters or bungee jump, so I was wondering what this had to do with me. But when she explained the adrenaline response that is produced in my body when I panic – “flash” a light went on. Oh, oh… could I be living for the rush I create when I panic or create “do or die” drama situations. Hmmm… interesting. She asked me to pay attention to this type of behavior this coming week. I am very curious to see where this goes, I feel another “ah ha” moment coming my way. Is this what is behind my need for drama? The gem from Claudette this week is… to see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it. I am all for that! So, I added paying attention to how often I create a sense of panic to my list of things to do for this week (the one we create just before the close of each session).

I am glad the list is short this week, what I really need to do is practice, practice, practice all the things I have learned so far. I figure that it is the only way to unstufff my brain. It will be nice when I don’t have to think so hard about what I am doing and be on alert for bad patterns. I know if I keep it up and get some consistency going that eventually I won’t have to think so hard… that will be a relief!

Week 6 - Go Around the Hole!!!

2008-01-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

This week I had a genuine meltdown, temper tantrum/hissy fit. Four days of binging, it wasn’t pretty. At the end of it I was left feeling hopeless. Working through week 6 brought on this wave of panic and self doubt, “there is too much to change”, “this is too hard”, “I’m not doing it right”, “I don’t have enough time” and so on. The wave washed over me and I did nothing to manage it, threw all my week 1 – 5 tools out the window. In fact I did the exact opposite and indulged in a pity party catered by the junk food aisle at the local stop and shop. By the time I talked to Claudette I was a big puddle of frustration and self-defeat. I’m sure she could hear the “I want to quit” in my voice loud and clear!

I was so upset, but I still tried to justify my actions. I’m don’t have time, I’m too stressed, I’m too busy. The title of the chapter is managing change and the only thing I had managed was to dig a big hole myself and jump in it. One section of chapter 6 states: sometimes we experience opposition during this process, which may come from both internal forces (ourselves) and external forces (friends, family, co-workers). My external forces are great, very supportive. Rats, that means I am opposing myself, creating lots of excuses and reasons to fail. I am soooooo good at this! Every time I start to do something for myself I somehow (tongue in cheek) manage to find a thousand ways to help other people. I busy my self up then use being busy as a righteous excuse. Then I can say it is not my fault, I am doing things for others. I’m a good person. Nice trick.

I sabotage myself. Claudette asked me several questions that boiled down to: why am I behaving this way? I realized that I want people to like me. I don’t want to drive people away by being too successful at anything. I see working on myself as self centered or selfish and I know people don’t like to be around “those” kinds of people. I have turned myself into a super helper giving at any cost so that people will like me.

It is funny how these insights come in a flash. Skip back to my youth, I had a number of jealous, competitive friendships. I was really shy so when I made a friend I would do anything to keep that friend. I trained myself to tone down my success in order to keep those friendships going. Don’t be too bossy, don’t brag, don’t show off, no one will like you. And give, give, give so they will like me. I never thought to walk away and find other friends. They were fun friends most of the time, so the problem must be me. This was a long time ago and I have good friends now, but I still behave this way in fear that focusing on my self and not jumping in to save the day will drive people away. Another habit! Back to the book again: the number one principle in the four principles of change states that any behaviour you persist in doing, after you become aware if it (as a habit), is a conscious choice. So I now can’t say “it is not my fault”, oh boy this will take some practice. I need to start acting on what I am learning. I have to get comfortable with loving myself, one of the ways is to start saying no to others. We actually practiced saying no during our session. Which felt a little silly, but really helped when I had to do it for real a few days later. And after I did it for real, I felt terrific.

I’m glad I had my melt down this past week. It was very enlightening. Claudette was very supportive. It is amazing how hearing that she wasn’t going to give up on me after such a bad week made me want to fight for myself. Towards the end of the session, as I became more positive, I realized that the week wasn’t a total bust, I had made a few changes to my schedule already that were positive steps and I did have 3 good days. Whew, what a ride. In the end I realized that I don’t want to walk away from the program. The work is worth it, I am worth it! Even though it is hard to make the changes I want to be the one that walks around the hole!

Week 5 - Healthy Hugs!

2008-01-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

I think the creators of this program were spying on me when they wrote the workbook! Each week there something that seems like it was written just for me. Hmm, does this mean that I am not alone? I often feel that “no one knows how hard it is”, I am isolated in my struggles with food. Everyone has their stuff together except me… poor me (sniff, sniff). It seems that this is not the case, if there is a book about it there must be others like me out there. Guess I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that I am not some sort of abnormal freak that can’t possibly get her act together. Thanks for blowing that excuse out of the water!

I like the progression of the program. Week to week it takes me one step deeper, pealing back layers and making me look at what I am doing. Well… I’ll be honest, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t, it is hard (some time embarrassing “do I really do that”) work. I “know” that I overeat, I “know” that I used food as comfort, but “knowing” and acknowledging exactly what I am doing are not the same thing. At the end of the day, I have often thought “oh-oh, I ate too much again today… bad girl” then rolled over and gone to sleep. After this week of writing down the times I eat not out of hunger, I see right there and black and white what I am doing. Yikes!

I see that I tend to eat more in the late afternoon and evening. I realized that being tired plays a big role in how I well I handle my feelings. When I am tired everything seems magnified, out of proportion with reality. I feel out of control, overwhelmed and like a failure. What exactly did I accomplish today? I want to eat (not need to) because I want the warm cozy full feeling in my stomach. Ahh… a tummy hug, from the inside out. It relaxes me for a bit, then I get anxious about something else or I feel down or frustrated then it is back to the fridge. Repeat as needed and soon I feel stuffed and bloated. Not such a nice hug after all. After a few days of watching my eating patterns I noticed that even when I was feeling good I wanted to eat in the afternoon and evening, it has now become a habit as well. What a kick in the pants!

During my session with Claudette we talked about some strategies to deal with my desire for a “tummy hug”. Turns out I should just feel the feelings and try to manage the anxiety. Go for a real hug if I need it! When I feel overwhelmed make a list of things that need to get accomplished for the day. I used to be a big list maker, so this suggestion appealed to me. I often had 2 or 3 going at a time in my college days so that I could organize myself. Somewhere along the way I dropped the habit. Sure, I give up the good habit, why is that so easy to do? Hopefully it will be just as easy to get it back.

Much of my anxiety is about control and how I cling to it. Here is the gem for this week. I struggle with how to give up control and be in the moment. It turns out that I only I have the control to give up control. I laughed out loud because it so true.

So more awareness this week and a few small changes to start managing life better. Ultimately I have to start being much more conscious of what I am doing with both my emotions and the food I eat. I am looking forward to making my lists again. And no more tummy hugs! If I feel like I need comfort I’m going to go for a nice big bear hug instead!

Week 4 - Quick Like a Bunny... Not Always a Good Thing!

2008-01-10T18:49:00.001-08:00

Whew, what a journey, and it is only week four. I feel like my kids do when they are in the car 30 minutes into a 3-day road trip… “are we there yet?”. And now I hear that the program gets more interesting as it goes on. Well it is week 4 and I started looking at my relationship with food.

I like food a lot… or… I like a lot of food (ha!). My relationship with food is long and colourful. I am definitely an emotional eater; biggest trigger emotions seem to be feeling overwhelmed or anxious. I also eat when I am tired or bored. I like to try different foods for fun. And I eat out of habit; oh it is “lunch time”. This week I learned that I rarely eat because I am hungry. And I definitely don’t stop when I am comfortably full, I will often eat until my stomach groans. Saying it out loud… well … it just sounds… wacky? Definitely embarrassing, no one likes to be perceived as a glutton or out of control. Really makes me stop and think, which I obviously don’t do a lot of when I am eating. I have gut reactions, habits and compulsions around food that I frequently act on before my brain even kicks into gear. Well smack me on the head! Duh… there is a “choice point” when I eat too! OH… I have to start applying what I am learning to my eating not just my internal dialogue about myself – fun! Sigh, it is going to be a lot of work to retrain my brain. Honestly, the thought is rather daunting.

Habits, reactions, patterns… CLICK…. my approach to food has been and how I have been dieting has done a lot of damage to my body and brain. Not only does my body horde every calorie from years of extreme diets and fads. I seem to be at war with my body. I either ignore hunger thinking “yeah, now my body must be burning fat” or I fill myself up to feel soothed “gimme that oral Novocain” because who wants to feel fat and depressed and anxious (because I am out of control), lets eat. What a merry-go-round! And I am stuck on it because it has become a habit to go round and round, it is just how I cope day to day.

Well, feeling stuck in my own muck! Definitely need to dump the old attitudes and patterns… bad habits. Habit rhymes with rabbit for a reason… instinct… zing off I go like a shot to do what I always do. Just like a bunny, not much brain power happening! React, jump, quick escape… food.

Ain’t awareness grand! At this point I am teetering on the edge of overwhelmed, so much to change! Now I want to eat. It helps to have the boost of talking with Claudette. She is the voice of reason when I get wrapped up in circular thinking and feeling overwhelmed. It is always good to debrief the week with her. This week we talked about conscious choices, being aware of hunger and responding to it. She also reminded me to remember to take small bites (not just with food), make small changes. Focus on awareness and being conscious of when and how I eat. And to calm down, I don’t have to do it all today! I am really trying to implement Claudette’s advice and not beat myself up for where I am at, instead to compliment myself for each positive choice. I am getting pretty good at taking them now and I find that it is also nice to give them to myself . A mental pat on the back when I make a good choice, like having water instead of soda. Hey! I just realized that I have not had a sugary soda in weeks. I am drinking much more water than I used to and taking in less sugar, pat, pat, pat way to go me! And with that small victory I will gladly move ahead to week five.

Week 3 – Thank You for the Compliment!

2007-12-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

I consider myself a fairly strong-willed person, some might say stubborn (that would be my immediate family –ha! What do they know?). I have strong convictions and opinions, both of which I will voice when asked... and sometimes when not asked. I thought I had a good handle on how I expressed myself and where my ideas came from. Then Claudette gave me the values worksheet. I was shocked at how little I could connect with the values at the core of my being. I found the exercise confusing. I kept going back to what I think is important, my opinion of what “should” be a value, what I want to be a value. I just wasn't getting it. It left me feeling confused and just a little vulnerable. Who am I??? (Drama Queen moment, giggle.)

I am not ashamed to say that I had to go through the values exercise a number of times and have an extra session with Claudette to talk about why it was so hard for me to dig up my values. We had a discussion around needs and values, which, while related, are not the same thing. Here in lies my difficulty. It took me several days to wade through my needy needs and dig out my core values. But I did it. I came up with a list of five values that resonate deep inside me. Getting a handle on these values gave me a sense of peace and power, a good soothing “you are able” kind of power.

It is a good thing that I had a morale boost, because Week 3 was all about self esteem and confidence. Self esteem is a tough area for me. My self esteem is dependent on how much validation I get from others and on my current weight. I have struggled with poor body image for years. There is no way that I can take a compliment about my body. I never believe the person. I think they are just being “kind”. At times I feel like a victim in a downward spiral. Poor me, “how can I ever feel good about myself?”(D.Q. sneaking out again).

My confidence level is somewhat different. I am able to recognize my skills and feel confident for a while. But in my quest for perfection, I eventually beat myself up and set a higher standard. Thus I am again never good enough. It would be nice to spend more time enjoying feeling confident.

I was surprised (and somewhat annoyed) to see that the choice is mine. Building up or tearing down self confidence and self esteem is totally in my control, it is an internal process, not an external one. Hmm... GREAT! This is going to be interesting. I'm pretty stuck in my current pattern. The workbook has two diagrams, one for the pattern of creating lack of self-confidence and one for the pattern of building self-confidence. I am a visual learner, so it helped me to see the cycles on paper. During our Week 3 session Claudette highlighted a spot in each cycle called a “choice point”. At the choice point, we choose what we tell ourselves. Are we going to take an event as positive or negative? Are we going to beat ourselves up or build ourselves up? Choice – and (gasp) responsibility, what do we do with our experiences? Pretty neat. It sure takes away the opportunity to be a victim of circumstance and opinion--this really jives for me as I am big on taking responsibility.

So... what to do with this information? Now that I have this insight I can't just ignore it. But I am unconvinced that I have the wherewithal to change this cycle, it is pretty ingrained. I am going to have to lean heavily on Claudette here for a guidance and suggestions on how to start looking for opportunities, to be aware that of a choice point, then to choose the affirmative path. She suggested that I focus on my difficulty in taking a compliment. I always shrug off compliments or deflect them. I am uncomfortable at the core of my being with compliments. My gem from Claudette this week is that when I shrug off a compliment I not only hurt myself by not accepting that I am worthy, I also negate the person giving it. Almost like saying, “Yeah right, what do you know?”.When I give a compliment I am sincere and would hope the person appreciates that I took the time to share my appreciation. Not very nice to discount someone's complement about me just cause I have “issues”. Interesting perspective.

So this week I am learning to take a complement and to watch my reaction. There is a choice point for me in taking a compliment, really taking it in without judgments and just enjoying it. I hope to learn to bask in it sooner rather than later. I have, despite the popular saying, witnessed an old dog learning a new trick, so there is hope for me I'm sure.

Woof, woof... bring it on.

Week 2 – Yikes I'm Gaining!

2007-12-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

I have completed Week 2 of my 12 Weeks to Weight Loss and Wellness workbook and had my second session with Claudette. Yikes! I realized that I am gaining! Expanding! For the first time in my life I am happy about it. I am expanding the way I view my life. Gaining a new perspective. It is not always comfortable or easy, but overall this is what I have been looking for. The workbook this week definitely wasn't easy. It was about staying motivated, defining a realistic goal and determining core values.
Motivation right now is tough for me. Normally I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. Right now I find that I am not capable of the energy needed to maintain an all or nothing attitude in any part of my life. It is hard to get motivated if you know that the effort can't be what you want it to be. Claudette asked if I would consider myself a perfectionist. At first I scoffed at the idea, moi??? I never achieve perfection. She then explained that perfectionism is continually searching for perfection, not achieving it. Oh...I started to connect the dots. Ha! She hit the nail on the head!
My expectations of myself are extremely high and when I can't meet them exactly, WELL! I am an obvious failure, surely everyone will notice and be totally disapointed in me (you have just met my inner teenager, she is quite the drama queen). Thinking back, there were times that I achieved or surpassed my own expectations, I would give myself a mental “high five”, then I would set an even higher standard for myself. Coocoo for CoaCoa Puffs! What a downward spiral.
At least now I can see that change would be good, small steps! I need to be more loving and less of a disciplinarian all the way around. It is going to be hard to tone down my inner dominatrix, get her to store the whip, but I'll get there. I think that the 80/20 rule from the workbook (page 16) is really going to help, it is brilliant! It sounds fair reasonable, I like fair and reasonable! I can make healthy choices 80% of the time, and I'll work on making the 20% guilt free.
Knowing this helps me move on to the goal setting phase of Week 2. This part of the workbook goes through being realistic about expectations and setting goals. There is a lot of good information here including... “We want to believe in magic, but there is no magic when it comes to weight loss.” Giggle, obviously I'm not the only one out there who wants a magic wand! The word real is found in realistic for a reason! It is comforting to know that I am not alone. In fact I mentioned to Claudette that it seemed like this chapter was written with me in mind.
There is an excersize asking you to write down your weight loss goals and objectives, then you flip the page and they ask if your goals reflect strong inner values or do they reflect external motivators (to visit and old friend looking like Cindy Crawford). Then it asks if you need to “revisit” your goals. Ha... you bet I had to. Remember Week 1 and how I was a little confused about core values? Well, now I know why they were mentioned. It is necessary to know what your inner values are so that you can set goals to reflect them. Your core values help motivate you to keep making those healthy choices and meet those goals. It is necessary to get in touch with them. If you set goals not in touch with your core values it is almost like you are out of phase (ooh Trekkie leak), out of sync with your self. How the heck am I going to stick to any goal if it does not jive at my core. Bingo!
Now what are my core values? Claudette and I spent the majority of our session on this. I would think I was on the right track then as we spoke it turned out to be a need, not a value. It got a little confusing for me, this is where having a coach to offer support and suggestions is of great value. The gem for me this week is that most of ones core values are set by the age of 7. Wow, that was a long time ago. I can really see how living to meet external motivators and the stress of daily life can cloud over core values, making them hard to see. I realized that I have to find my sunshine. It is somewhere behind my clouds. When I can feel the warmth, it will be much easier for me set valuable goals and achieve them. Claudette gave me an additional worksheet to help determine my core values. Cool, bonus material! I am going to work on finding my values and move on to Week 3.
Whew, I don't mind this kind of gain at all!

Week One – Ready, Set, Whoa! This is Different!

2007-12-14T04:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, I've got my brand new pencil, my workbook, and my coach (how cool is that). I have resolved to give 12 Weeks to Weight Loss and Wellness a fair shake. Being used to diets, this program feels strange to me but I am willing and ready to start. I will cover a chapter each week and then have a phone session with Claudette.
I started going through Week 1 in the workbook. I was feeling pretty confident. I understand most of the principles. I know diets don't work and that I need to make healthy choices around food and exercise. I need to love myself. All good review so far... I'm going to be an “A” student. OK, hold on. What's this? The book starts to talk about core beliefs, perceptions and values. Weight is a function of what is going on in your internal dialog. It mentions that I will likely need to make changes to my core beliefs to maintain healthy weight loss. What???! I am not even sure what my core beliefs are, never mind if they need adjusting. Maybe I need to take a core sample, ha! (Sorry, my dad is a geologist. Only people who wear corduroy and hush puppies will get the joke.) Core values, hmm... this is different. I have talked about feelings and food. But what do core values have to to with achieving a healthy weight? Interesting.
I keep working my way through the workbook, I turn to page 14. This becomes my favorite page in this chapter. It talks about “What happens when we change our behavior”. I like change, it equals new, shiny, exciting, stimulating, a change of pace, opportunities and possibilities... I like new. However, too much new always leaves me a little down. They use the word melancholy in the workbook. Great word, one of those words that sounds exactly like what it means. I have never thought that it was OK to feel melancholy with positive change. I should be happy, excited about changes for the better. Any type of change, good, bad or in between, has a process of feelings attached to it. This is mind-blowing, a light bulb moment for me! All of a sudden I am not just focused on how the workbook will help me lose weight. This is about my life as a whole. Whoa, this is different! I finish up the chapter pretty excited and look forward to my one-on-one with Claudette.
I chose a time for the meeting that allowed me to have quiet without interruptions (not so easy around my house). I have gone to one-on-one sessions before but I have to admit phone coaching sounded a little weird to me. I like to sit face to face with the person I am talking to. I shouldn't have worried, it was amazing how fast I forgot that I was on the phone. Claudette asked me questions about my diet history and my life in general, then we discussed what I read in Week 1. She added so much to the content of the chapter! She tied it into my personal history, which really brought what I was reading home for me. We discussed my habit of yo-yo dieting and how undisciplined and out of control I felt. Why can't I stick with a diet? I've beaten myself up for this sooooo many times, always ending up feeling like a failure. She gave me this little gem... a diet is a short term behavior. Again, this explains so much. How can I possibly achieve long term success with a short term behavior. No wonder “diet” is a four letter word; it is obscene to do that to your mind and body over and over again. This gem gave me a new perspective, which is a very sweet treat (and no calories).
We move on to discus of my favorite page, the stages of change (yes, page 14). Claudette expanded the description of each stage. I learned that it is important to name and acknowledge all the feelings involved in change. Even if I like change the change it is normal for me to feel anxious or vulnerable. She helped me realize that I tend to get stuck in the second stage--“transition”, the urge to return to familiar patterns, which stems from of the awkwardness of trying new things. It is important to have good support in this phase and to celebrate achievements, no matter how small. Each small victory will help me move forward. An awareness of the stages of change is helping me in my current situation (adjusting to moving across the continent) and it will also help me as I move through this program.
In concluding our Week 1 session we talked about making small changes and building awareness. We also talked about breaking my day down into manageable sections. I have never divided my day into sections (morning, afternoon and evening), it has always been one long "to do " list. I will try this approach and see where I can make small changes. No return to my all or nothing habits, just small health conscious choices. Reduce sugar consumption... not eliminate it cold turkey (as I have tried in the past). Drink a bit more water. Pick less sedentary activities. And be more aware of how I am feeling. All small no-pressure choices.
It was a good first week. The program is making me think and apply new learning to my daily life. The coaching was great. I enjoyed my first session with Claudette, I like her insights and that I can laugh with her. It makes the whole thing seem less overwhelming.
A good start.

Introducing....Me and My Secret Desire!

2007-12-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

Hi! My name is Kristi and I will confess right up front that what I really, really want most of all is a magic wand! A quick tap on the head and zing perfect, healthy, hot body. If I can't have the wand, how about a quick fix, a secret formula, you know... an easy breezy perfect DIET. Yes, I said the four letter word! I know, I know,diets don't work, there is no 6 weeks to a perfect figure. Having tried just about every craze out there, after years of gaining and losing plenty of pounds. I know for sure that there is no magic wand, quick fix or secret formula, just discipline and hard work. RATS!!!

I recently moved from a prairie city in Canada to a coastal village an hour outside of New York city in the USA. (And yes, I “heart” NY). This move was accomplished after a year and a half of upheaval and change, I'll spare you the gory details. Not long after moving I turned 40. All in all I figured it was time to reevaluate my life. What next? I know... very cliche! I quickly came to the conclusion that I want to be healthier, kick some weight and make better choices all around. Where is that magic wand?! Oh yeah... RATS!!!

So, I began pondering how to go about losing 50 pounds, yet again. Ugh... I am so tired of doing this! What will it be this time? I just couldn't drum up enthusiasm for any of my past methods. One bright fall day I stopped by to see Wendy Bodnar, a very close friend and founder of The Growth Shop. As we were enjoying the late afternoon sun on her deck she mentioned that her business partner Claudette Pelletier-Hannah just sent her a new program that looks very interesting. I went home that day with Wendy's copy of 12 Weeks to Weight Loss & Wellness in my bag and plans to talk to Claudette. I was pretty excited, a new possibility.

In preparation for my conversation with Claudette I perused the workbook. The program looked good. I was happy to see that it did not revolve around counting, measuring or weighing food. How refreshing. I liked the set up, section by section with questions interspersed. The focus seemed to be more on assessing behaviors, perception and feelings. Alright! Liking what I saw I talked to Claudette who confirmed that the program was about growth on many levels. By the end of our conversation we agreed that she would coach me through the program. Very exciting! A new more thoughtful, intentional approach with the help of a coach.

No more diets. No magic wand... Cool!